nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
