You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
