Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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