rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
