I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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