i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
His nipple licking is glorious
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