Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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