Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
