I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
