Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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