Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
