Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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