Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
