I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
