Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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