When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
