but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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