Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
