I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
