Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
