I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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