I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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