I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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