im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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