My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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