It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
