someone owes me an orgasm
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
