Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
