Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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