between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize