I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
