So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
