Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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