Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
