Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
