Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
