Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think your dad took our porno
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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