i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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