Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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