Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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