All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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