Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
