Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
