No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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