When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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