He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
