i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All the doctor said was why
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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