My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
