The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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