Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
