pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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