i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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