I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize