Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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