he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
