His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
