Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize