I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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