Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
They took my balls.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
whose parrot is this?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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