i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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