your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
