So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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