Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
