dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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