shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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