sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
