I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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