If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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